| # | Quote |
|---|
| 1 | [on Julieta (2016)] I know some people have been slightly lukewarm about it - I've read some reviews that refer to it as an incidental work - I disagree; I thought it was magnificent. |
| 2 | [on The Martian (2015)] I really enjoyed it, so much so that I could have sat down and watched the whole thing again from the beginning immediately afterwards. |
| 3 | [on Ultimo tango a Parigi (1972)] It's incredibly boring. Most of it is Marlon mumbling. It is completely self-indulgent waffle of the highest order. |
| 4 | [on Sex and the City 2 (2010)] It is an orgy of dripping wealth that made me want to be sick! |
| 5 | [on Sex and the City 2 (2010)] I can't believe you've just done this. You've gone... You stinking with wealth consumerist dripping with gold, shoes, blah-de-blah-de-blah. He, doesn't have enough money to go and see his wife. And what you've seen in this isn't horrible, staggering inequality of just... Corpulent filthy Lucre but... "Ooh yes we both have the same problem which is to do with being apart from our loved one." |
| 6 | [on Mr. Bean's Holiday (2007)] I laughed once and I have to say I think it was by mistake. |
| 7 | [on Sex and the City 2 (2010)] Simon Mayo: This is the Old Trot at the Barricades? Mark Kermode: I'm sorry, this is. This is the point at which I started going [singing the Internationale] "Then comrades come rally" |
| 8 | [on Dirty Grandpa (2016)] I just don't want the film to exist. I wish I hadn't seen it. I wish I could un-see it. |
| 9 | [on Taken 3 (2014)] They took his daughter, they took his ex-wife, they took him. Now they're going to take his daughter - hang on, didn't they already do that? - after doing something even worse to his ex-wife. But he will find them and he will kill them. Again. And again. And again. |
| 10 | [on Pan (2015)] You know Peter Pan is timeless? This is absolutely of its moment. It's here now and once you leave the cinema it will be gone. It's a shame. It's not terrible, it's just not any good. |
| 11 | [on Magic in the Moonlight (2014)] It's very light, very airy, very breezy, very inconsequential, and at times rather clunky, but kind of charming in a totally unimportant sort of way. |
| 12 | [on Grace of Monaco (2014)] It is worse than Diana (2013) but it's not more fun than Diana. It's just rubbish. |
| 13 | [on Spandau Ballet documentary Soul Boys of the Western World (2014)] I'm not a fan of that music, I'm certainly not a fan of those clothes and the hair is just unspeakable. By the time they get to doing some of those big stadium gigs, Bono's mullet is but nothing compared to what your man Martin Kemp is wearing. |
| 14 | [on Sex and the City 2 (2010)] My expectations were low and I have to say they were met. It's ghastly. It made me want to be sick. |
| 15 | [on One Direction: This Is Us (2013)] As manufactured pop groups go, they do songs that I like, they do 'One Way Or Another', and they do the other stuff, 'That's the thing that makes you beautiful is the fact that you don't know you're beautiful', that one, but it's a pop movie that's manufactured by Simon Cowell, therefore what you see is what you get, there's no rough edges but it's quite funny. |
| 16 | The funny thing about Riddick (2013) is that it thinks it's quite funny and that's the really annoying thing. |
| 17 | [on We're the Millers (2013)] Lowest common denominator crass stupid humour, which is a shame because there are some people in it that I quite like. |
| 18 | [on Pain & Gain (2013)] I thought the film was absolutely loathsome and morally repugnant and vile and evil and bad. |
| 19 | You cannot equate box office figures to how much people enjoy movies. There's loads of movies that take a huge amount of money that people still think are rubbish. That's a well recorded phenomena. |
| 20 | [on 21 & Over (2013)] Every single good joke is in the trailer and in the trailer I counted no good jokes at all. |
| 21 | [on A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)] I wrongly maligned it when it first came out but now believe it to be Steven Spielberg's enduring masterpiece. Years later, having been told to do so by others, I went back and looked again at A.I. and was amazed by how much the film really worked - it really engaged me, it moved me, it made me cry, which I still think is one of the highest aspirations of cinema - a film which makes you cry is doing something right. I love A.I. and I got it wrong. |
| 22 | Still for me the best of the Alien movies. What do I love about Alien (1979)? Well, extraordinary design by H.R. Giger, a wonderful script by Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett, fantastic central performances from Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt and John Hurt, and of course some genuine moments of shock. When I made a documentary about Alien (1979), Ridley Scott talked about watching The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) in the run up to prepare for that film. When it was first advertised in cinemas, it was described as The Exorcist (1973) in space. That's something very hard to live up to, but I think it does it. |
| 23 | My favourite Ridley Scott film to date is Blade Runner (1982). I prefer the director's cut, which takes away the voice-over, has the harsher ending and indeed restores the unicorn, which is the key to the fact that Deckard himself is an android. It's an extraordinary vision, a wonderfully realised future world. In fact, arguably one of the five best science-fiction films ever made. |
| 24 | [on New Year's Eve (2011)] The film is so loathsomely putrid and terrible, that actually even people's expectations that have diminished beyond belief, hate it. I think its quite interesting in that even the most undemanding, most uninterested, y'know critics all the time get accused of being snobs - Oh you like snobby cinema, you don't have any idea what people actually like - Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody will enjoy New Year's Eve, nobody. Even people who love this sort of nonsense will feel ill. It's so bad even stupid people will hate it. |
| 25 | You don't obsess with The Exorcist (1973) for 30 years unless you're interested in religion. As Stephen King and others have said, many horror films have a morality that would make a puritan smile. The Exorcist is a profoundly Catholic tract. It was written by a guy who was educated by Jesuits who wrote it as a sort of Pauline conversional text: people would read it and go, "Oh, there are demons so therefore there may be angels." So, no, those things don't conflict with me at all. I do think there is a very big thing about cinemas and churches. The cinema is a sacred place and you do have an experience which is communal and is about transcending the here and taking you somewhere else entirely. |
| 26 | [on Avatar (2009)] As with much of James Cameron's later period, it's overwritten, baggy, creaky and wooden. There are, however, some things in it that are "wow" and are £8.50's worth of entertainment. |
| 27 | As far as I'm concerned, 3D is nonsense and is not the future of cinema. There's a reason why 3D has failed in the past. Have you ever seen a movie and gone: "Oh, that was great, but I just wish it wasn't so flat?" |
| 28 | There are some qualifications that a professional critic has to have, and one of them is that you must love cinema. No matter what state you think it's in. The minute you don't go into a Sandra Bullock film thinking: "You know what, this might be a work of genius," you have to stop. |
| 29 | [on Don gato y su pandilla (2011)] I just sat there thinking, "You know, of all the things I didn't want in the world, this is pretty much top of the heap." |
| 30 | [on The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)] It's one of my all time favourites - a dark, strange work featuring an extraordinary performance by David Bowie. |
| 31 | [on Imagine Me & You (2005)] The only selling point of this Ealing-BBC presentation is a Sapphic twist which casts Piper Perabo and Lena Headey as cinema's least convincing lesbian lovers, proving that persons of all sexual persuasions now have equal rights to utterly rubbish films. |
| 32 | Andrea Riseborough gives a fantastic performance in Madonna's W.E. (2011) - unfortunately the film is one of the worst I've ever seen. |
| 33 | [on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)]: So I want to be absolutely clear; yes, the film is mind-bendingly terrible, it is incredibly long and incredibly loud and incredibly boring and nothing happens very loudly about a hundred times. So all those things aside and because of the way the robots are now animated, to be honest you neither know nor care which bit of robot tree is hitting which other bit of robot tree. And there's some weird sort of back story about why the Transformers are back cos as we know, we thought they'd gone away but essentially it is robots turn into cars, turn into robots, start hitting each other with added 'WHOARRR' all the way through and I'm sorry, but I have now got to the point that I have lost patience with this. Now I think its not enough to just say; This is rubbish. Its actually time to say; No, enough is enough. We really cannot just embrace a world in which this is now being given to us as essentially, middle of the road, multiplex fare, its not good enough, it really isn't good enough and I'm quite serious when I say this; Its not that just that its a bad film, its that its a film with a rotten heart. The only thing that's at its heart is a big ringing cash till. And its like seeing somebody just getting a towel with money in it and just squeezing the money out and you can hear the cash registers, they go: 'OK, we're hitting all the points, we're doing all this stuff, we're doing as far as we can get away with' in a way that has no artistry, no invention, no wit, no nothing at all, it is just there to milk the money out of the largest possible audience in the most cynical, most dreary, most boring possible way. I hated it! |
| 34 | [on Enter the Void (2009)] Imagine ingesting a vast amount of hallucinogenic drugs while skim-reading "The Tibetan Book of the Dead" and watching the final reel of 2001, and then sticking your head into one of those machines that makes pink candyfloss - in a strip club. |
| 35 | I don't do moderation. |
| 36 | [on Angels & Demons (2009)] It is the stupidest film I can remember seeing and I'm including in that Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977). It is intergalactically stupid. |
| 37 | [on Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)] I saw the film, I didn't laugh, it wasn't funny. I think I laughed twice, which is not enough for a comedy movie. |
| 38 | [on Babel (2006)] This is art with a capital F. |
| 39 | [on Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)] The experience of this felt like being in a room with an adolescent for two hours who won't engage you in conversation because all they want to do is play you clips from their favourite movies. I ended up feeling parental, I wanted to say, "Quentin, get out of your bedroom, pull your trousers up and go and get a proper job because you can do better than this." |
| 40 | A critic can draw your attention to a movie you might not have seen. I wrote a lot about the Dutch version of Spoorloos (1988) which encouraged people to see it, the same for Pan's Labyrinth (2006). Half of a critic's job is praising movies. Critics getting behind obscure films can help them find a space in the market. |
| 41 | I just review things as honestly as I can. As long as you say: "It's only my opinion," people don't get upset. For example, I think the Star Wars films are terrible. There's no point in me saying Star Wars has got no story, no proper characterisation and is badly defined. Clearly, millions of people don't agree. I'm just giving my opinion, I just think it's the right one, although the weight of popular evidence is against me. |
| 42 | [on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)] At one point he's in an old people's home, then he's in a brothel, then he's in a street, then he's in a boat, then he's fighting World War 2, then he's doing something else - you're going "Yes, where is he going, why is he going there and when he gets there is there actually going to be any point in it?" The answer to all the above is "Don't know, don't care and no". |
| 43 | [on Bride Wars (2009)] It's the first film I've seen in 2009 and I'm already fastforwarding to the end of 2009 and thinking, if this is not in my top 10 worst of the year, top 5 worst of the year, then the year will have been so bad that I make you this promise now: if Bride Wars isn't in my top 10 worst films of the year, if there are 10 films worse than Bride Wars this year, I quit. Every now and then you have to make a stand and this is it. If there are 10 films worse than Bride Wars this year, I quit. |
| 44 | [on The Devil's Rejects (2005)] After not making a very good debut, Rob Zombie now comes up with this story of these people who are essentially Mansonites: roaring around the desert, being unpleasant, being nasty to each other. And he thinks that somehow through all the unpleasantness we will find these characters interesting like rebels and outlaws, and we will end up siding with them. Let me get this absolutely clear, anyone who thinks that Manson was an interesting character as opposed to a cheap, scuzzy, verminous git who deserves to rot behind bars for the rest of his life is an idiot. It's just adolescent, infantile twaddle. |
| 45 | [on Littleman (2006)] The movie's billed as a comedy and to say that there were no laughs is really to understate the level of no-laughter. I lost track of the number of people, sane, sentient, open-minded people who should have been offended by Little Man. I have seen some films that I consider to be grotesque but I struggle to think of one more grotesque than Little Man. It is, in every way, an evil-minded, bad, profoundly depressing indictment of the way in which the modern movie industry works. It is the most retrograde, horrible, nauseating, inward-looking, smug, repulsive, grotesque, ill-advised, badly-judged film. You sit there thinking, "Is it me?", or is everyone in the cinema taking a collective breath and thinking, "You can't really have made this film, you really cannot have sat in script meetings and decided this was a good idea". There is no pit deep enough in the world to dispose of every single copy of this film. It is, and I say this seriously, it is evil, and if you go and see it, shame on you. I have spent my whole life defending movies that people tell me are evil and they're not. Little Man is bad for the world. It's bad for the whole world. |
| 46 | [on The Exorcist (1973)] It's the greatest film ever made. There's a theory that great films give back to you whatever it is you bring to them. It's absolutely true with The Exorcist (1973)- it reflects the anxieties of the audience. Some people think it's an outright horror-fest but I don't. It was written by a devout Catholic who hoped it would make people think positively about the existence of God. William Peter Blatty, who wrote the book, thought that if there are demons then there are also angels and life after death. He couldn't see why people thought it was scary. I've seen it about 200 times and every time I see something I haven't seen before. |
| 47 | [on Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)] Never was a film more accurately named. If you pay money to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean it's your own fault and you're bringing down the collapse of western civilisation. |
| 48 | [on Death Proof (2007)] Infantile, adolescent nonsense. Quentin Tarantino has turned into your embarrassing uncle who turns up at a wedding in a leather jacket and tells you how swinging he was. He's a money-grabbing sellout who can't write, can't direct and has run out of ideas. |
| 49 | [on Eyes Wide Shut (1999)] The inane ramblings of a man who needed to get out more. |
| 50 | Watching Guy Ritchie's Revolver (2005) will make you want to pour petrol on your head and set fire to yourself. It's not that Revolver is just bad - it's that it's so mind-buggeringly, intestine-stranglingly hideous that you actually start to worry about the mental state of its creator. Honestly, if I was a doctor and somebody walked into my surgery and pitched Revolver, I would reach for the medicine cabinet forthwith. |
| 51 | [on The Holiday (2006)] Firstly it's very long, I mean it's over two hours long and it should really have been at tops, absolute tops, 88 minutes, because then it just would have been vomit-inducingly ghastly. It's one of those films in which the saccharine sugary coating is so badly done that you think that you're watching a pastiche, you think somebody is doing a joke about just how badly these things can be put together. It desperately wants to be Love Actually (2003), and it is Toilet Actually. |
| 52 | [on Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)] Clearly the worst film ever made, a totally irredeemable pile of stinking celluloid donkey droppings with nothing to be said in its favor . . . except that the mad-as-nuts Ennio Morricone soundtrack is actually pretty terrific. |
| 53 | Sting is total pants in everything, even Quadrophenia (1979), but then I can't stand his music either, droning, self important dirge. |
| 54 | [on Good Luck Chuck (2007)] A really, really horrible film. |
| 55 | [on Elizabethtown (2005)] Things got so bad I half expected oxygen masks to drop down from the ceiling while red and white lights guided us all to the nearest exits. |
| 56 | The Deer Hunter (1978) is one of the worst films ever made and a testament to the fact that, if allowed to do whatever they want, filmmakers will take their cameras and crawl up their own backsides. |
| 57 | [on Club Dread (2004)] Surely there is a law against allowing people to make movies in which a rastafarian with a posh English accent is considered to be the height of hilarity? |
| 58 | The problem with Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004) is it is absolutely, indescribably horrible, vulgar, stupid, tawdry, depressing, embarassing, filthy, vile, stinky, repugnant, slimy, unclean, nasty, degenerative, mind-numbing ... |
$6 Million
